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Sideline Reporters


Something Divine Para El Z-Force


By Ricardo Dayton


                ?Como se dice, "Week Two was dope"? You say it by looking at all them scores man! Aye carumba guy, football americano en la FFL esta amazing! I mean, did you see that, chico? If not man, then you gotta see it! Its something else this year.

                Let me start by saying that el matchup of the week was clearly not el rematch from la Fantasy Bowl. No, no, no. That game was mucho bogus man. I seen higher scores in dog fights mexicano guy. Did you see how boring that was? Los Thunder de Boston.you must be jokin homes! At least los Blazers de Montana are 2-0, but really guy, are you serious with that Priest Guy. I dont know who his dios are, but they son malo man.

                But anyways, the game that I found myself at was in Phoenix. Los Conquistadors set to do battle con el Z-Force de Nuevo York. This game had everything. Running, passing, defense, special teams. Geez Louise man. But seriously, did you see that game! I was lucky cuz my cousin Pablo has a little pueblo down near Phoenix. Its called Pablos pueblo, you get that man! Me and Jackie got to hang out with all the esses. Man those guys are loco man. I tell you what though, when you want a T.V. or a stereo, all you have to do is ask one of those muchachos and they go into their el camino and pull one out for you man. And they are all strapped man. Its crazy man. But seriously, Jackie even caught a bone if you follow me, right hombre? I even saw her sipping on a 40 ounce man! !Of LECHE guy!

                The reason I liked this game was because of all the hype man. El Z-Force are a real good looking team guy. These muchachos have been the top perro in this league for a while guy. They are nice. But they suffered a big loss in Week Uno. The same con los Conquistadors guy. They had so many draft picks in the beginning this year that I thought coach Adam Fleming could have gone and worked a closing shift at the Neon Deli and gotten back before the draft was even over man. Are you following me? Im serious guy. But honestly they got whooped in Week Uno, tambien. So I figured that one of these over-rated teams would lose and be 0-2. That would be loco guy! Right man? I mean, am I joking or what esse?

For real though, this game was increible. El Z-Force finally showed the world that they can put up a grande score. Grande meaning 64 points man. Now that is the most points scored this year so far. Thats a lot, Im serious. How did they do it you ask? El Z-Force walked all over los Conquistadors like they were cucarrachas pequenas. El trio grande de Peyton Manning, Marshall Faulk, y Terrell Owens all put up some numbers. Meanwhile los Conquistadors had Deuce McAllister, Ricky Williams, y Brett Farve holding down the score. Now I dont know much but que pasa con Farve starting over Donovan McNabb man? I hope that my illegitmate papa Bob did not have anything to do with that move. That hombre Bob is a malo hombre. El is malo man, muy malo.

                I asked el coach of los Conquistadors what he had in his cabeza when he put McNabb on the bench. Fleming insisted that Farve tiene cahones grandes and therefore should be el quarter-back numero uno.

                "Brett (Farve) is a natural leader", said Fleming as he was receiving a "Soldier of G-d" tattoo across his forehead. "Me and my coaching staff thought we would see what he was all about. Donovan (McNabb) is still our main man but he could use some bench time to humble his ego a bit. He could learn a lot from a FFL veteran like Brett."

                Que suerte man! Fleming was lucky that Farve threw for dos touchdowns or there might have been a fight on the bench man. I talked to McNabb and Ill tell you what guy, this hombre was en fuego con Fleming.

                "I cant believe he benched me Ricardo!!" said McNabb. "The crazy thing about it is that while I was sitting on the bench I had this crazy premonition that somewhere I had scored an 8 yard touchdown myself, passed for a 2 yard touchdown and then passed for another 39 yard touchdown. Its strange, ya know? I really feel like this happened. Does this mean anything to you Ricardo?"

                It sure does guy. I one time had this dream that I was the filling in a chimichanga grande con mas queso man. I keep trying to get out but the queso was real sticky, you know what I am saying. Then I finally got free and I was standing on the sidelines with Manford Fowler and I was naked. No clothes. Holy cow that was scary man. Did you see that, or anything like that? I hope Im not the only one like that guy. You dont want to see that man.

                Ill just say that the story of this game was the defense and special teams con el Z-Force. They were of mas importancia in this game. They scored 26 points with an interception return for 97 yards, a punt return and also a safety man. You got to be kidding me man! That just unfair y loco.

               "I wouldnt have gotten sacked in the end zone", said a still angry and pouting McNabb. "I also would not have thrown that interception. I would have done only good things. Why was I on the bench huh? I aint old!"

                Do you sense something malo en Phoenix man? Yo no se, but Fleming has a lot of trabajo to take care of unless he wants to finish 0-14. But seriously, if you want to learn about a coach who turned his team around you need to eschucha to Jason Zieger, head coach of el Z-Force man. This guy knows how to make his players win.

                "When I want a win, I get a win", said Zieger. "I pound my players with good Christian values and through their faith in Jesus they find a way to win. They do not cry when they are tackled, they just get right back up. Then we go for a nice round of fruit smoothies after the game and volunteer at the local bake sale. Win OR lose!"

                Ummmmmm? Did you eschucha that? Que pasa man? I had to find out more, cuz this was seriously messed up esse.

                "Are you saying that you could not win without the lord?" I asked.

                "You got it right Ricardo, my son. It is kindess, tenderness and love in Christ that brings us all together on the football field. In fact, you too can enjoy this kind of love."

                "Are you serious man! Dont you know that I am loco man! I cant believe you are are serious guy?!? Are you serious? Do I have to see that man? Im getting out of here chico!"

                "Youll be back my son, youll be back. The lord can be the father you never had," said Zieger as he caressed my shoulder like the father I never had.

                That guy Zieger is kind of creepy man. Whoa! I decided to leave him with Jackie, cuz we all know she needs to be saved man. But rumor is she caught another bone hombres. Did you see that man? No, Im serious! Upon leaving the locker room I found Z-Force quarterback Peyton Manning reading over some scriptures. I really do not understand these muchachos. This team is loco man. I did not want to hablo to any of these dudes.

                The fact remains that el Z-Force are back on top with a grande win while los Conquistadors still look malo. Los Conquistadors have to go to Chicago next week where they have to face of with the 2-0 Black Sox. These chicos are for real too. Do you know what I am saying guy? It aint going to be easy for los Conquistadors man. Guy, they are getting burned like mi lengua con habenero pepper salsa man.

                "Dont worry about the Conquistadors", said Fleming. "If we dont make it this year, then we always have no draft picks to work with next year. Well be fine. Im serious!"

                Did you see that man? I dont know. I really cant say if there was some kind of divine intervention or not for el Z-Force but they beat up on los Conquistadors. Can Fleming turn his team around? Yo no se, but they have to get their cabezas and cesos together man. To conlcude mis amigos, I will be back next week with mas FFL footabll americano coverage. In the meantime I am going to continue with my english classes, can you tell how much more bueno mi ingles is? I am learning esse! It is great, Im serious! 



Thunder Tries to Ruin the Weather in Miami, Man

By Ricardo Dayton


Hola senors, senoritas, chicas, muchachos and FFL fans around el mundo! What a week for FFL football americano, huh man? !Loco, loco loco!

With the FFL season finally under way I can once again put my pinatas on the shelf and get down to some serious sideline reporting. !Aye dios mio!  But seriously did you see that man! This weeks feature focuses on one matchup that was one hot tamale. Hotter that Tihuana man! Of course I am talking about los Miracles de Miami versus el Thunder de Boston. Holy guacamole man! I cant believe I saw this thing bro. I got to go to sunny Miami guy! That is real close to where I live man so it was no problemo for me. I traveled with my numero uno chica Jackie. Ella es bonita and I think she knows it. You following me hombres?

Anyways, both of these teams were coming off some pretty memorable seasons. More memorable than that time I saw that Oscar Meyer Weiner truck man. That was one grande perro! Boston was muy bueno and Miami was muy malo. And believe me man, when I say muy malo, I mean as malo as that Jar Jar Binks kinda malo man. Did you see that guy? Que pasa with that guy man? Anyways, Miami blew it in the end of the season and almost missed the playoffs and of course we all know what Boston did right?

Well, these two met in week one and the tide might be turning mis amigos. I loved watching Miami take it to Boston as if to say Dame la mano! Crazy enough though man, was that Miami did it in the air despite the mucho talent they have on the ground. Boston silenced the run game of Dillion, Martin and Alexander but let that last guy catch one for el touchdown. !Que suerte huh!?! The difference was los quarterbacks though man. Kordell was looking malo at first but then caught fuego man. Meanwhile Jeff Garcia, the hombre who won that MVP, looked closer to the reaction from drinking the water in Mexico man. You get what Im saying chico? Its like he went splat man!

After the game I caught up with Thunder head coach Eamonn Wisneski. Man, I thought I could hablo espanol with this hombre but hes a traitor man. It was like I was speaking a foreign language to him.

"Habla espanol?" I asked him.

"Oh si," he says.

"Que pasa con el Thunder de Boston?"

"PUERTO RICO!! HOOOO!!!" Wisneski  says while clutching his bead necklace.

"No, no. Que pasa con el Thunder de BOSTON?"

"Crew is hard, my back it aches, my muscles they hurt."

You see what I am saying bros? This guy sold out. No habla espanol. And seriously, his americano is muy malo as well. What is up with this guy? You gotta hear this stuff!

Anyways, my first question dealt with the play of quarterback Garcia and why he stunk it up man.

"Well, Im sure that Jeff (Garcia) will rebound", said Wisneski. "At some point hell return to his MVP form. We really did not play him all that much in the preseason. He was pretty much, well, ya know, just chillin. So it should take him some time to heat it up."

Ill say, this guy needs to eat some comida caliente in order to spice up his passing game man. The only touchdown pass he threw at all was to that no longer a juventude Tim Brown guy. My sources are telling me that unless Boston gets someone who can run a route without the need of a wheelchair, then Garcia may have to run some into the end zone himself. Geez man, I cant believe that!

Meanwhile, I was able to chase down Miami quarterback Kordell Stewart and ask him the questions deficil. I made sure to check what language he spoke first though man. I was not sure if he was even americano or not because of that loco outfit he was wearing man. Did you see that? It looked like something from Brazil man. Does he do capoeira or something? Im serious here.

I asked Kordell if he thought that running up the score towards the end of the game was something that he should have done.

"When the end of the game was approaching", said Stewart, "I knew we were only up by a few so I figured, hey, why not? After all, no one ever thought we would win this game after what happened last season. We had a lot to prove to these fans, to ourselves. I had to prove to these fans, and to Boston as well, that I am the real deal. That is why I went ahead and scored that touchdown."

I got to say that Kordell has some cahones that are grande. I mean, this guy comes from out of no where to Miami and gets the job done. Thats nice to see man. Im serious! He certainly has more class than my papa Bob, who left me and  mama for nothing but a cheap airline flight to San Fransisco with some chica with thingies pequenas. I hope he gets eaten by a chupacabra, ya know man. Im serious about that.

But seriously, I continued my talk with Kordell over some burritos. I really wanted to know what Kordell thought about the group of hombres that he was surrounded by.

"I think that this could be a great year," he said. "With Corey (Dillion), Curtis (Martin), and Shaun (Alexander), we have a clear advantage over all the other teams in our division. With that kind of run threat, not to mention my own, I have to say that we might never have to throw the ball. Who made these burritos?"

                Agreeing with this was not so easy to do guys, except for those burritos (who were made by my main muchachos Carlos and Luis), Miami looks pretty especial in the running game but where were they this week? I mean, que pasa Jeff Zieger? You guys are not going to win with nunca coming from these guys.

                "I watched what they were doing", said Boston Thunder star running back Ahman Green. "They clearly look pretty rugged. They need to take some lessons on how to run from me. As a matter of fact, I could simultaneously school them AND take them to school."

                Man! You got to escuchar to this guy. Can you believe what he said? After conducting that interview with Ahman I had to get out of there guy. He was starting to get heated up, caliente man. I aint really that big of an hombre so it was adios for me man.

                Miami Coach Jeff Zieger disagrees with Green though. Can you believe it? This guy has some serious confidence in his hombres. I sat down with him in my new El Camino man. Now this guy was en fuego.

                "The win was what counted", said Zieger. "I was not completely pleased with the play of all the guys. But hey this is only the first week and we came out on top. Not only did we come up on top. But we did it against the defending FFL champs. You got to be pretty happy about that. Especially after the game when I saw that coach Wisneski still lives at home with his mama."

                Both of these teams will continue their season next week and they both look to be good games. Boston goes home to face the tough Blazers de Montana. Looks like a winner to me man. WOW! Rematch from last years Fantasy Bowl sounds bueno. Meanwhile the Miracles look to go 2-0 against los Knights de Dallas. Should be an easy win for the Miracles if they get that run game up and running. You get it? Man I cant believe that one!

                Next week the game with mas importancia will be los Conquistadors de Phoenix versus el Z-Force de New York. Ill be there with all the game info. Dont worry about me. Both teams hope that they dont go 0-2 man. That would not be bueno for either of these teams man. In conclusion mi amigos, I have to say again that this was one opening weekend that Im never going to forget. I got to watch football americano that was mucho bueno and I got to hit up las playas in Miami and check out all the hot babes in skimpy g-strings man. No, Im serious. You gotta see that stuff man, its loco! Oh si!


Ricardo Dayton Ranks the Competition

It was a quiet night at the Olympus Parkway offices of the FFL Online. Jackie and I were kicking back, relaxing, and chugging a few Dos Equis while watching TBS rerun "Tremors" for the umpteenth time. And then it hit me -- is there all there is?

Let me explain. As many of you loyal readers know, the FFL Online has had a meteoric rise to stardom in these past few years. Our ratings are through the roof, the weekly post-Sunday spread is no longer headlined by Chef BoyardeeI'm even getting calls for dates from B-movie actresses. (That's quite a step up from my last girlfriend, T.S. Hi Asia!) Suddenly, though, it dawned on me that there might be more to this life than the accolades of thousands of FFL fans. What I'm talking about is competition.

While Jackie and I were there sitting on our asses, I realized that we here at the FFL Online have gone soft. For the first time, I realized that there could be literally thousands of people out there just waiting to knock us off our pedestal as the premier news and analysis source for the FFL. While we were slumming it during the slow wait for training camps to open, those sharks could be gaining on us. The paranoia deepened. What if we weren't the ONLY FFL out there?

You might not realize this, but there are in fact thousands of leagues across the country that call themselves THE FFL. It's true. A quick search of the Internet left me aghast. On the Tripod network alone, there are numerous leagues calling themselves the FFL. Some of them even use our same official FFL logo!!! How did Commissioner Zieger ever allow this to happen? Doesn't he have a team of copyright lawyer goons to handle a problem like this? Or is he too busy filling his mouth with tasty pies as bribes? Needless to say, I was disgusted.

Yet, at the same time, I realized this as an opportunity to size up our website competition. So while I personally consider these FFL impostors to be more CFL (heck, XFL) in their very nature, I decided that I should objectively review our competitors and see where we stack up. If the FFL Online has gotten soft, maybe we need a little push, I figured.

In most circles of cultural critics, even poor reviews include some semblance of civility; the reviewer attempts to find something (however minute) to praise. I can't really say that about some of our competitors. Some of these sites are sorry sacks of horse shit, topped with cow and cat shit. Others are hopelessly out of date (a major no-no in my book). And a select few sites here on Tripod are pretty good. But do they best the FFL Online? Let's see:

Neal C's FFL page
I won't lose any sleep over this one. This person committed half their ass to the effort on this one. Rating: 0 Jackies

FFL35commish's Fantasy Football League
As the site proclaims, "Bringing you the latest and most up-to-date info that two bumbling Commishners (sic) can muster." Yeah, and it shows (last updated in 2000). Well, the page layout is pretty smooth, but what is up with the lack of originality concerning team names? Rating: 2 Jackies

Fictitious Football League
When you first see this site, you're really wowed by the presentation, the thoroughness of it all. Then you realize that these guys don't really play fantasy football. This is a league based on computer game statistics, for crying out loud. It's one thing to be a fantasy geek, but to play fantasy football based onfantasy football? Alsoit is a warning sign of a crappy league when there is a link assigned to your league accountant, Worf. Rating: 1.5 Jackies

The Jdawg's FFL Web Page
Jdawg's site design looks suspiciously like that of the 1999 FFL Today. The weekly box scores look very nice, but take a long time loading. An OK page, as it has all the basics. It just has no pizazz, though. Rating: 2 Jackies

The 1st & 10 FFL2K1
Pretty boring. I think the greatest cardinal sin committed here is that there are no team names. Just owner names in the standings. Who wants to see a retarded matchup between the Deek Pizurs and Randy Tamburlins? Not I, said the Ricardo. Rating: 1/2 Jackie

BFLO Homepage
If you want to bother linking to any of these pages, try this one, the Bastard Football League of Ohio. The front-page graphics alone are not to be missed. They have nicely set up scoring pages and even a couple of links to team "homepages." Again though, it is the main page graphics that must be prized. Rating: 3 Jackies

Fergs' FFL Info Page
This league isn't much on character, but they do a damn good job at tracking their history and stats. Plus, they seem to have been around since 1989. I guess it isn't a very good site for outsiders, but for them, it seems to do the job. Rating: 3 Jackies

MAP's FFL Page
This league and the Pittsburgh Pirates have something in common. They both suck. Rating: 1/2 Jackie

NJFFLA Homepage
The page's big announcement: "CONGRATS to Bill & KrisAnn on their baby boy (Ben)! Is Ben available in the draft?" Is this an FFL news page or a plea for more free Pampers at the baby shower? The names are too cutesy in this league (Butt-Naked Iguanas, Blood Sucking Toad Warriors). Oh yeah, they also stole our logo. Rating: 1 Jackie

DC's Fantasy Football League
The league promises big news about the DC Thunder, but most of what you get is before-and-after pictures of a man who has lost nearly 200 pounds. You also learn that his favorite band is Blink 182. I'm glad that he wants to be Subway's next Jared, but I'd rather see a little more football. Thus, Rating: 1.5 Jackies

Peter Geer's FFL 2001
Much like Michael Geer, there's not much here to admire. A pretty graphic at the top (incorporating OUR logo. Rating: 0.5 Jackies

Welsh Football Association 2K1
Okay, so I thought I hit paydirt here. This is a nice lookin' site. But the site person seems less concerned about the spirit of the league and more concerned about regulations involving the $$$. Unsuprisingly, the league seems to experience a lot of turnover. All image, no heart. Please do yourself a favor, though, and click on the section for the "North Carolina Intimidators." Priceless picture of the owner there. Rating: 3 Jackies

Mark's FFL Page
Uncannily resembles the dump I took just before writing this review. Rating: 0 Jackies

The London FFL
Pretty basic, straightforward site. Nothing that grabs my attention, though. Rating: 2 Jackies

CrunchTime FFL
They haven't been updating in awhile, but look at the wheels on this site. The graphics and layout prove to me that this is a league that is cared for nicely. I'm not much of a fan of their convoluted scoring system, though. Apparently the Boneheads are their dominant team. Rating: 3.5 Jackies

Rock River Fantasy Football League
A league that time (and the commissioner, apparently) forgot. Rating: 0 Jackies

Havana Daydreamers Official Homepage
Okay, well, the site is nothing too special. But this person obviously cares about his team. Christina Aguilera is the head cheerleader, and he actually has stories written about his players, etc. Rating: 3 Jackies

Brown County FFL
All the best fantasy football that Brown County has to offer. Nice helmet graphics, and it looks like they actually have upkeep on their site -- a big plus. Oh yeah, they stole OUR LOGO! Rating: 3 Jackies

Oakwood Springs FFL
I'm starting to have second thoughts about my high rating on the CrunchTime page. This page is a carbon copy of that page, so they must have some program that makes the page. Oh well, there is still some original content to be found here. I like how the only team owned by a female is called the "Carrollton 1 Girl." Rating: 3.5 Jackies

Jeff Johnson Memorial FFL
In memory of Johnson, this league has apparently put together an adequate site. Nice colors, very nice detailed box scores. Rating: 2 Jackies

Neil Scott's FFL
The one notable thing about this league is the owner's page. Nearly every owner is red-faced with a big fat head. Weird. They have stuff for 2002 up already. Rating: 2.5 Jackies

FFL 2001
I'm not impressed. Should I be? Rating: 1/2 Jackie

The 2001 FFL Site
Er..okay. At first you think it's just a regular FFL site. Then when you check out some of the other pages, it's just kind ofconfusing. Is this even a football page? Rating: 1/2 Jackie

FFL Weakly
They bill themselves as "Your #1 Source of Worthless Crap." Yet it's pretty good, though outdated. Some attempts at original content articles here. And who wouldn't like a team called the Genital Rubs? Rating: 3 Jackies

The FFL Online
Don't call me biased. We're just the best. The problem with the Tripod folks is that most of their sites are dying, neglected wrecks. Those that do update usually only do so with the most basic of reports (box scores, etc. ) But where else is there a Tripod FFL with quality columnists and constant updates? Nowhere, that's where. I don't know what web designer Commissioner Zieger hired out to do this site, but he does a bang-up job. He must have no life to work so hard, but I'm glad he's there anyway. Rating: 4.5 Jackies (There's always room for improvement at the top.)